Yesterday morning I woke up and one of my first thoughts was, “Oh no! I don’t have much time left!”
I was not referring to my time here in Rhode Island visiting my parents. And I wasn’t thinking I was going to die that day.
But I was thinking that I will be fifty years old in October.
It wasn’t a sense of panic. It was a sense of reality. Which is something I do not always welcome.
Brought on by probably two or three conversations and thoughts the previous evening.
One was a conversation with my Dad about the afterlife. Sitting in a couple of chairs in the backyard. I won’t go into our private conversation about that but will share something that I said.
I said,”We only get the one life. And, gosh, it really is so very, very short. And it’s still okay if the life is good. But what about the people who never experience any good at all in their life on earth? War, abuse, slavery, hunger, violence, poverty, etc. Doesn’t it really stink (I might have said “suck”) for them? Never having a good life. The world is so unfair.”
Then I had a lengthy telephone conversation with my girlfriend that evening. We talked about many things but life and death also popped up during the chat.
And my best friend’s dad who lives a block over from my parents was admitted to the hospital the previous day.
These visits home always prompt thoughts (more than usual) of people I used to work with that have died.
Then, of course, no matter which way I turn in my old neighborhood I see the homes of people who are no longer alive. People that were a part of my daily landscape when I was growing up. Always there.
So, I think all of these thoughts got smooshed around in my head during REM time. And I woke up with the thought that I don’t have much time left.
See, my first fifty years seem to have flown by so quickly. That’s the reality check.
This post is not meant to be a downer. The visit has been great. It’s just that a bunch of similar thoughts converged one evening. It really is a reminder for me that I do have to make sure that I am truly living life and not wasting any time.
Because if I wasted time? That would really stink. And suck.